I'm taking the plunge, and I'm scared... I've decided to agree with my friends and join them for a trip to England and Europe.
I'm scared for a number of reasons. The cost, can I afford to spend this money on a holiday when it should be going towards my savings to pay for my house? The plane, it's not Qantas, so will it crash? The countries and the people, will I get put in jail for drug trafficking when I am innocent? My boyfriend, will we survive the time apart?
It's not a long holiday at all. But I am a little bit worried about where his head is at sometimes. I found out some news on the weekend that made me a little bit sad. I think he gets depressed sometimes, maybe even feels like he is not good enough, or for some other reason he might not be happy with himself to the point where he would want to push me away.
He told me that he was thinking about breaking up with me six months ago, and I thought back to roughly that length and I could pick the time. There was some tension there and he was acting weird, but we got through it. I think he pissed me off a few times and I can see now why he was doing it. He was trying to push me away. He was trying to make me be the one to break it off, but I guess he didn't figure that I was in it for the long haul and that I wasn't going to give up on him that easily.
I never expected myself to be in this position. I never thought I could have someone that I cared about so much. Someone I knew I could be happy with for the rest of my life. Someone I would sacrifice everything for. But I am.
I didn't enter into this relationship with that as my goal. In fact I just took each day as a blessing and hoped there would be more. But now I just assume there will be more. Maybe I am letting myself get too comfortable and I am not keeping my guard up. Sometimes I think we need to keep it up to stay focused on certain things, like people. Maybe I need to keep my eye on him, and us. Rather than just think that everything will always be ok, maybe I need to make sure that everything will be ok. Someone has to look after us, and as the female, it seems to be our role to do these days.
What ever happened to the days when it was a mans job to look after the woman? he would court her, spoil her and provide for her. Evolution is happening, now I feel as though the roles are reversing, and this is not just for my relationship, I see it in others.
My dream is for us just to be happy, together. All I want is to be together. Money, location, possessions, all of it doesn't mater unless I am by his side.
I entered this relationship with no strings attached. I entered it expecting it not to last. And I entered it expecting not to be loved.
Well, I've attached those strings, I am expecting it to last and I know I am loved.
So if God has wished for my heart to ever be broken and never repaired. If God has hoped for my life to be over. And if God was out to punish me, then ending our partnership would be the ultimate killer to my happiness and my life.
posted by Sammie @ 9:42 PM
4 Comments:
*hugs* babe. You take care of yourself.
A Euro trip sounds fun... hoping t get there for a bit this year... hoping, not definite though :(
*hug*
Good luck with your relationship. Relationships are hard. Endings are hard. But the end of one thing never has to mean the end of everything. There are people out there who love you even though they have never met you, and probably never will meet you. And we're all wishing you success and happiness.
So where are you going in Europe and England? I was in London back in 2006 and it was beautiful. Ireland is relentlessly quaint, and desperately in need of parental guidance. I haven't been anywhere else, though. Get lots and lots of photos!
And, hey, while you're in the neighborhood, why not take a side trip to the U.S.? :)
See? This is the reason that you inspired me enough to write my own blog, Miss Sammie. Nobody does personal as personally as you do. Wow.
As far as relationships go, you can only do your half of it. You can't decide for him what's going to make him happy. You can't control how he feels about you. You can't say the words for him or have the feelings for him. You can only say what you want to say and you can only feel what you feel. If he chooses to remain with you it's because of that, it's because he's making the choice to love you and be with you. If you remain honest with him and never let how you feel remain unsaid or unfelt, then you can never blame yourself for things going sour.
If he loves and appreciates you as much as you love and appreciate him, I don't think you have anything to worry about.
Trust that.
Just stopping by as a random browser of the great wide Internet, but I saw something that provoked me to comment.
"What ever happened to the days when it was a mans job to look after the woman? he would court her, spoil her and provide for her. Evolution is happening, now I feel as though the roles are reversing, and this is not just for my relationship, I see it in others."
As a guy, I really have to agree that this happens too much in the world. What happened when society started discouraging chauvinism to an extreme level? For many feminists, it has turned from a fight for women's rights into a fight for female superiority. Unfortunately, on the male side of things, everything manly has become really discouraged/spoken against, because manliness tends to be confused with chauvinism. I really feel this is where the confusion has come in as far as men and women's roles in relationships, and arguably (if you want to take the riskier, politically-incorrect route) a factor in the huge increase of gay/bi-sexual kids these days.
Anyways, my apologies for molesting your blog. I'll get back to the work I should have been doing in the first place. :p
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